10.15.24 Unlearning Perfectionism
Recently, I was sharing the story of my teaching journey with someone new in their career. I empathized with how challenging their experience was, and wanted to share a little bit about the challenges I faced as well. It can be intimidating when we see someone on the “other side” of their struggles.
The principal who looks like she’s got it all together - it's nearly impossible to imagine that at one point she was learning how to lesson plan or facilitate small groups or find the right calls to attention for a group of 35 seventh graders.
The mom of an elementary school kid who appears to have a work life balance, and takes care of herself well - it’s hard to picture the newborn days, when she was trying to decipher what cry meant what, and how long she should let her child sleep.
Our culture here in the U.S is shaped by many problematic ideologies, and one that gets so ingrained is the idea of perfectionism. (if the concept of perfectionism being a pillar of white supremacy culture is new to you, I encourage you to read here and here)
As a result, it can feel uncomfortable when we make mistakes, have to try again, ask for help, seek support, name that we are learning something.
One of the ways we can combat this internalized cultural norm is to be vulnerable, share our messy process, view “mistakes” as learning opportunities, lean on your community rather than trying to do it alone.
As a coach, I LIVE in the process with people. We are constantly naming growth moments, learning and adjusting and growing. I hope through this newsletter, I share much of my imperfect process, but I thought it might be fun to share a few moments where it was so obviously “not perfect” to give you permission to be in your growth edge as well.
Going back to that conversation with a new teacher….when I shared a bit of my story, I did not say that my first year teaching was also my hardest. It wasn’t. It was my FIFTH.
Talk about a blow to my ego.
I taught elementary school for four consecutive years in Arizona before moving to California, and thought I was a pretty amazing teacher, if I’m honest. I had never had a coach, never received any feedback, but I was trying hard and kids and families seemed happy.
When I started as a mid year hire, teaching 7th grade math, it became rapidly apparent that there was much I didn’t know. It was a mess for that entire year, but I showed up every day, often cried in between classes, and received some coaching. And I got better. I learned new skills. I practiced having a growth mindset and asked for help.
I’m grateful for my teammates, my coach, my principal, and my determination to grow ultimately began to chip away at my perfectionism.
Some other quick hits of “imperfect moments”
I didn’t get the Instructional Assistant Principal job the first time I applied for it.
When Gabby was just a year and a half, I applied for a role WAY above my experience level. I didn’t get it.
I’ve created offers that no one signed up for and I’ve been prepared to teach yoga classes that no one showed up for.
I’ve drafted emails to you that I didn’t like and ended up deleting.
I had to retake part of the Admin Credential Exam because I failed it the first time.
I dated a lot of people before finding my now husband.
I experienced two miscarriages before getting pregnant with Gabby.
What happened as a result?
I clarified my desire to be a leader. I learned, studied and asked countless questions. The next year, the AP role opened up again, and I got it that time.
I felt mid-interview that I was not aligned for this role. It eventually opened the door for me to create Lead and Be Well.
I got time back to myself
I found better words to express what I meant to say
I remembered how to study and how to prepare myself to do well on a test.
I learned what love feels like.
My pregnancy and birth with Gabby was THE most present and grateful time in my entire life.
As I write these to you, I’m smiling and laughing a little.
None of these are failures to me (at least now, I see that).
They are all learning moments. Opportunities where I got to clarify what is and is not meant for me.
Opportunities to refine process, practice skills, try again.
I didn’t even list any parenting examples, because…it’s just literally all day every day learning.
The point is - It is ok not to get it 100% right the first, or 5th time.
Life is about learning. Teaching, leading, parenting, living, loving.
It’s about repair, it’s about pivoting, it’s about how we speak to ourselves and each other when we adjust and start again.
Can we do it with joy? With optimism? With humor? With love?
Lots of love,
Jess
Reflection Questions:
Where might perfectionism be sneaking in to your life?
What would it feel like to give yourself permission to be in the process of growth?
What are you learning lately?
